So I have been procrastinating over the Christmas wind down and I have been absent from posting anything public, not because I didn’t have anything to say, it was more than that, what I had to say was not popular or uplifting or marketable for my brand.
I am sure that I am not alone in my thinking, holding back that truth because it doesn’t look too good on an aspiring business owner's page, but I honestly want to get real this year and call out the bullshit including on myself.
Christmas was shit for me, it was tough and it was lonely, I struggled alone (well I wasn’t totally alone, Mr. Logan my papillon bundle of cuddle was ever present by my side)
But it was a tough time, and to compound the loneliness, I was left with my own thoughts, all I could do was ruminate on all of the failures and missed opportunities I had managed to gather together, my arms were completely full, and my heart overflowed and my tears spilled out filling buckets of emptiness.
I thought it would never end, I thought something was wrong with me, I thought everything was pretty much over, and these bones had better pack it up and go rest on the beach.
I didn’t realize at the time, that I was grieving for the loss of the broken and lost opportunities and my unrealized dreams, I didn't know that the bucket of tears wern't there to tear me apart, but was actually there so I could be emptied out in readiness to be filled up again.
You see, I had not let myself be nurtured by myself, loved by myself, comforted by myself, and in learning how to do this over the holidays, it wiped the slate clean.
I came back to work this week, it's only been 4 days, and I reconnected with all of my dusty dreams, and I was spurred on to re-look at my schedule and I connected with a few precious souls that fill me up and give my life meaning.
I started listening to audible and the wisdom of those who have gone before me, and I started reading the books that have taken over a whole room in my house, and I went outside and pulled a few weeds out of my overgrown pathway.
I did a little bit each day towards making everything better, and finally, I started seeing the clean bench, the swept driveway, and the clean clothes neatly folded and stacked carefully into the cupboard.
And I felt like I have been reborn into a new skin that allowed me to grieve without judgment, it was also a skin that was allowing me to now rise and succeed.
If you have been feeling shit these holidays, if you feel like you don’t matter, and it is all too late, let me assure you that I see you, and I hear your heartbeat. It is NEVER too late, and it is never too soon to start.
Take one small step today toward the person who you ultimately want to be, and tomorrow you will be two steps closer to realizing that dream.